Love Story (4) - c'est la vie

Another long day of work, 5:30 pm, most of the people already clocked out. The janitor came around my cube to clean the trash can, I know what she must be thinking, "this girl has no life." The weather outside looks frightful, like an unhappy baby's face, you know she is not going to hold it any longer. "There is a T-storm warning for Cook County, you better go home now." She sounds like my grandma. Yea, it's time to go, but where is my home? I let out a sigh, light enough to elude a dog's ears. In a day like this, I just want to snuggle besides him like the good old days, love the tingling sensation when I can feel his breath over my shoulder. He would press my body close to his. There would be no words, just us... ...

"Got my love letter yesterday?" He sat down right next to me before the class started. "It was you?" "Sorry if I've scared you, I can explain ... ..." okay, it turned out that the whole thing was orchestrated by him, and Grace as complice. "You ... ..." "Sneaky bastard? It's okay, you can say it. But, I think I still owe that homeless guy the second installment of his compensation." Hah, I let out a big laugh. Deeply flattered, I mean he is the first one went this far to get my attention, you have to give it to him. So, I started dating him.

... ... big lighting bolt followed by a heavy thunder succeeded to bring me back to the present sense. "Are you kidding me? That's all he did to win your heart?" The Janitor gives me a dubious look. In her funny iranian accent, "My husband wooed me for 4 years. One time, he stood in the rain for 5 hours to convince me to go out with him. Girl, you have to know the game rules, you know..." "Sorry, gotta go!" I don't know if I am too tired of her nagging or I just dislike the word 'game' in the context of love, I storm out of the office before she finishes her sentence.

7:36 pm, my apartment, dinner for one, steamed bun with miso soup. Finished it in 30 minutes. Done with the dishes, I changed into casual clothes and flied out of my apartment. I have a date today. With who? With myself. I got the idea from a friend who visited a short time ago, "you can do a lot of things by yourself ... ..." Exactly! Chicago is the kind of city where you will never get bored, and I don't want to waste another night away in front of the TV. The date started out with a movie, "Lake House" with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Great story, a remake of a korean movie and shot in Chicago. There is only one merit to korean dramas, their emphasis on the fragility of life. There will always be somebody died in a korean drama. It's life, people die, they are not going to be around forever, you see them one day, and they might die on you the next, you never know ... ... Like all good movies did to me, I felt I was still in the story, following the two characters around when I walked out of the show room. Balmy weather outside, the night is still young, so I took myself to Navy Pier to watch the firework show. Sitting on lake bank, music in the air, the firework lasted for a solid half hour. Okay, miss, enjoy yourself so far? He would ask me on our dates, and solicit feedback on a scale from 1 to 10. Oh well, nothing is perfect, 9.9999.... is always my answer to him.

I decided to top off my date with a vanilla ice cream cone, dripping all over my hand, I felt like a little girl again. Mmm..., a 'perfect 10' date. Told ya, women are good at deceiving themselves.

Love Story (3) - Dream

"It's just a stupid dream... ..." At starbuck, table for two, over one double shot espresso and one decaf vanilla cappuccino, we were busy doing our little catch up during class break (yea, Grace and I are very different kinds of people). "So you are not gonna go out with him?" I could tell she was a little disappointed. "I don't know, I am kinda seeing someone right now." "What? and you didn't tell me?!" Now, this time she is real mad. I didn't tell her because she also knows him, it's a brother in our church. There is this chemistry between us, but it's good to keep it under ground, especially if you are in a church life. Anyways, it's kind of sad that it seems the only way for girls to bond is to talk about guys in their lives. Everytime we meet, our topic would wind up going down that direction. She would talk about her crush, and I would get all excited babbling about mine. Woman, can we talk about something else? like books, or movies, music, anything but guys, they are not the whole world.

Afternoon, after a whole two-hour lecture about complex analysis, my brain was desperately in need of something sans logic and reasoning, so I sought refuge in Cody's. It's my favorite place to spend a lazy afternoon. Sometimes I would devote all three hours to Cosmo, other times I would peruse over some big thick novels I know I won't read if I buy them, it all depends on my mood, and that particular afternoon, I was in mood of something mysterious, like a psychological thriller or something. I guess it has something to do with that dream... ... Literature section, I was going through the books randomly on the rack. "Can't decide which one to read?" An old man, dressed like any homeless guy on Telegraph, standing behind me asked. I nodded. "Here, I think you should read this." As soon as I took the book from his weather-worn hands, he vanished. Okay, this is getting more and more twilight zone to me, I better go home now. As I rushed out of the bookstore, all those strange scenes from the dream came back to me, somehow, I heard his whisper again, or is that just the wind?

I ran all the way to the bus station, totally forgot about the book that was under my arm the whole time, until I got home. Great, I just stole a book. So, what is the book you may ask. It's W. Somerset Maugham's Of Human Bondage. It's sitting right next to my laptop right now, a little worn, and if you flip through it, you would find a hand-written note tucked in the middle, which reads "I like Felicity." ... ...

Something about dreams. Are they just some random mental activities when we fall asleep? or they mean more than that, more than we can fathom. Like a portal, through which we enter into a mystic realm, where someone is trying to communicate with us.

love story (2) - Don't

"Okay, I will see you at 12 then." ... ... I stood there for a couple of seconds, kinda let the fact sink in. Oh my god, what have I done? I promised Grace that we are gonna have lunch together that was long due, plus she said it's important, I can't blow her off ... ... fast forward to 12pm, at the cafe, Grace was sitting at one table reading a book, where is that guy? Hah, he's late, you can't be late on your first date, not even a split second, so you are out! When I see him, I will just tell him straight out that I am not interested. "Hey woman, what up!" "Don't call me woman, woman! That is so rude of you!" "Yea, yea, whatever... ..." just as we were goofing around as we always do, a guy approached our table, "oh, do you know Roman? I invited him to lunch today, sorry I forgot to tell you." Grace winked at me as she said that. Jeez, he was the guy she wanted to set me up with. You got to be kidding me. "Felicity and I already met." ... ...

What a weird day, just hung up with Grace after a whole hour of "oh my God," "no way" phone conversation, I was so exhausted that I must have forgotten when I fell asleep ... ... ... ... "Don, Don't!" I let out a scream, so loud that I woke myself up. It's a dream, just a dream. But it felt so real. I felt his arms wrapped around me, so warm, and he wispered something into my ear, so clearly, I still remembered it. But I can't tell, "it's a secret," he said in the dream, "just don't do the things I told you and everything will be fine, otherwise ... ..." again, he disappeared into thin air, like a swirl of wind.

You know how it works. When people tell you not to do something, you always ended up doing it. There is a lure to the word 'don't,' like "don't eat that apple," "don't open that door." or "don't have pre-marital sex" You know you probably shouldn't, but you did it anyway, and nine out of ten times, you would spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't listen to the 'don'ts.'

Lesson, child, always listen to your parents, especially the don'ts. Trying their best to protect you from this crazy world is their job, and choosing whether to listent to them or not is your job, it's your life, and remember, you only have one life to live.

love story - Pilot

"Oh My Godddd! ... ..." Grace is my best friend. I still remembered how excited she was when I told her I am getting married. That happiness was so genuine, I bet she was even happier than I am for myself. "It's hard to find true love, and you should cherish it... ..." That night, we drank a lot, sang our songs, cried a little, and then laughed so hard that the tears came out again. People thought we were crazy... ...Wow, that was almost a year ago. So many things had happened since then, and where should I begin with? ... ... Oh yea, I didn't get married, and I had never seen him again after that day. Him, the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. Chicago's weather is so unpredictable, you can almost have four seasons in one day. Like today, sunny in the morning, but suddenly became all gloomy in the afternoon, it reminded me of him again, of how we met, yea, we met on a gloomy day... ...

"Hi, I'm Roman. Your name is?" I'd never talked to strangers, as a matter of fact, I never had eye contact with strangers, but this guy sitting aross from me has been staring at me on the bus for almost 2 minutes. I pretended I didn't see him and tried to look away, but oh well, I kinda liked the attention. We got off at the same stop and he came up to me and introduced himself just like that. "Um...sorry, I am late for class." "Oh it's okay, just wanna tell you that your mascara is a little smudged." Jeez, how embarrassing, it must be the stupid raindrop. Yea, that's how we met, I didn't have tissues with me, and he offered me his hankerchief, with his initials embroidered on it.

It was not love at first sight, he is not good looking, and I looked like crap that morning when I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before the classe starts. I even prayed not to meet him ever again, but that had not been the case, we were in the same class. Yea, thanks a lot, God. One day, after class, I walked up to him "I think I owe you a thank you..." "Sure." quickly took the hankerchief out of my hand, he hurried out of the classroom. Jerk! There, we are done, I don't have to talk to you again, I thought to myself. Just as I walked out of the door, "lunch today at the cafe?" I looked up, guess who that is, "Um, suuuure." I always hated myself for that, like you don't think quick enough on your feet, your brain is not processing but your mouth already blurt out something you don't mean, so much for the coordination. "Good, see you at 12." and there he went again, disappeared into the crowd, like a swirl of wind. He's always like that, always in a hurry, you have to be in a good shape to walk as fast as he is.

Okay, that's enough for today. I have to stop here, if you promise to be a good girl/boy, I will continue the story tomorrow... ...

Crash

I hurt my neck in a car accident yesterday, in a matter of a second, my head snapped back and forth......today, I woke up with a stiff neck, a little light-headed and dizzy. Like a kid, though I always think I am a kid at heart, I went around tell people I don't feel good, expecting some consolation, but all I got was just some insouciant "Oh...you should get some rest." Kinda expecting something more, but there was nothing. Funny that when the only person who cares in this universe--my Mom called, I told her I am fine. I guess what makes you really grow up it's to see the ugly and cold side of the humanity, when your ideal world CRASH with the real world, when you decide to swallow the tears and hold in the pain in silence, when you pretend to be strong for the ones you love. Nobody sees you as a child anymore except your parents, when you fall, you got to suck it up, cuz nobody will really care.

hang__er

I had a mudslide last night, according to my coworker, it's the pre-school level drink, "If you aim for being an alcoholic, it's a good start. Slowly move from beer, to some fruity drink, like margarita, or daiquiri, and ultimately, martini means you are ready to graduate ... ..."

it... ...

1. I don't remember exactly from when that we stopped talking about it, it's good to skip certain topic and talk more vaguely. There is a giant elephant standing between us, but we both decided to ignore it, and by ignoring it, we somehow believe that it will eventually go away. Clarity does more damage, indeed.

2. My mom and I have been having strange dreams, nightmares to be exact. Empty room, a lot of doors and windows, glasses and mirrors were broken, wind was blowing, a phone call from my deceased grandma, bad news, blood, strangers at the door, fighting, tears... ... and then, we both woke up lying alone in the bed, pondering what it means.

3. I learned something recently that don't hasten to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, you should always ask when you have questions, but sometimes you need to wait, do a little research yourself before you take the shortcut to ask someone else. People judge you from the questions you ask, no matter who they are. It's a sad sad truth, isn't it?

4. She has something that I don't. She finally got what she wishes for and I haven't. What is it that she has that I don't? Faith, a stubbornly strong belief, that passion, that courage, that Love, to hell with all the reasoning, rationality, logic, opinions of others, go after what you want, what you really want.

A lot of dandelions are floating in the air, they are searching for that fertile land, where to set their root in. Sadly, the asphalt road is all they can see. Keep flying, dandelions, there is still a long long way to go before you settle down.

In Him

That we may be no longer little children tossed by waves and carried about by every wind of teaching in the sleight of men, in crafiness with a view to a system of error, but holding to truth in love, we may grow up into Him in all things, who is the Head, Christ... ...

-Ephesians 4:14 15

a little bit of everything... ...

I am just getting lazier and lazier, sometimes I hope my brain is hooked up with blogger.com by some machine, so whenever I feel something, whenever I have some sort of revelation, the machine will convert my brain waves into text and post it on my blog. but, anyways, here are some of the things I remembered and wanted to share:

1. I stopped taking pictures. Why busy taking pictures of things when you can enjoy it with your own senses? Why look at the sceneries through the lenses while you can take in the whole view? Call me selfish, it's not like I don't like sharing, I just don't need pictures to remind me of what I've missed appreciating at the very moment.

2. July 4th weekend was so enjoyable, but as the aftertaste gradually faded, it left me even more restless and emptier. Like the song says, there is got to be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me. I need an unreachable high that could keep me busy all my life, even it means I will never get there.

3. Have been going to a church training lately, and the whole topic fascinated me. It says we are the body of Jesus Christ, we are part of God, and God's second coming is depended upon us (if the body is strong enough). Oh well, what can I say, I might not be the vital organ of the body, but at least I don't want to be a cancerous cell of this body.

4. Attitudes toward temporary things. Having been living in the apartment for four weeks now, I have never considered here my home. Never took a moment to decorate it, never really cooked a full meal in the kitchen, never stayed here longer than 5 hours, except for sleeping. It's not like I don't want to get closer to her, I am afraid of being attached, because it's only temporary. Someday, I will leave her, and I want this parting to be as peaceful as possible.