Love Story (8) - Dear Diary

Dear Diary, today's lake is a bewitching turquoise, I just couldn't resist it. So after work, I took a long walk along the lake shore. Sitting on the beach, my heart was as calm as the water... ...

"I want to be a business woman when I grow up, just like my Mom. How about you, Felicity?" "I want to be a singer. Hold a concert at a Navy base and sing for the marines. And you, Priscilla?" "Uh..., I don't know. Maybe I will open up a chocolate store, everything in it will be made of chocolate." ... ... I let out a scoff, 16 years old's us seemed even more certain about the future than we are today. I still remembered that afternoon, when the three of us decided to skip a class to go to the beach. "Do you remember, Grace?" "Yea..." On the other end of the phone, I could hear her voice shaking. If Priscilla was still around, she would see that neither of us has fulfilled our dreams. Not even close. "You still remember the game we played that afternoon?" How can I forget? The result is still perplexing me today.

It was a game about the future, but what is so ironic about it is you will have to ask yourself in your prior life. Kinda like the ouija game, instead, we used pen and paper, your partner's right hand and your left hand intertwined and holding the pen together. Calling out your prior life repeatedly until the pen started moving itself, then you can ask whatever questions, and the answer will be revealed on the paper... ...

"You should definitely go to the Great Wall. Priscilla died there, your prior life told you to go, and now the strange dream... ..." Yea, they are all coming together for me now. I have never been to the Great Wall, but feel like I have been there million times, and it has always been a mysterious place for me. I didn't get to see it that winter, our car was snowed in, and the whole Great Wall was closed to public. Are you ready to see me now, Great Wall? I am no longer that chubby little girl, singing all the way on the train, longing to see you, so much that I couldn't fall asleep. To me now, you have become a sad sad place, a place where I lost my best friend, where I was cursed ... ...

Dear Diary, what's good about knowing the future? and what's good about growing up? If I could choose, I'd rather be that chubby little girl forever, cuz I know, she is happier.

Love Story (7) - wicked is as wicked does

Just like that, a kiss in the wind, as spontaneous as skipping a History class on a Tuesday afternoon. No promise of an everlasting love, no binding of loyalty, nor guarantee of future, but as I often tell my friends, what's a promise good for if it can be broken at any moment?

However, I am the kind of domestic animal that cannot live with too much freedom, or do I ever want freedom at all? Growing up with people in my life as my emotional crutches, be it my parents, my friends, or my ex-boyfriends, I like to depend on them, someone I can hold on to, so I won't sink to the botton. But him, he taught me to stand up all by myself, "You can do it! Just let go of my hand, trust me... ..." "Roman, I'm floating, yes!" ... ... ... ..."Remember, the one who loves you the most is always yourself." This is his way of saying "I love you," I guess. As time passes, I learned to decipher his language, pick up hints of warmth along the way, and started to see love from a point of view that I've never seen before.

My friends were often puzzled when they heard I was still with him. "He is weird." is all they can say about him, what a brash verdict. Have you ever asked yourself, how many of these kinds of verdicts you gave out everyday that keep you from really getting to know a person? People are not born "wicked." Just because she/he looks or acts differently from you, does that make her/him a lower person? have you ever bothered to hear their stories? Have you ever taken off your glasses of prejudice and stererotype, and really see people as who they are.

A long long time ago, God split up men's "language," so they stopped listening to each other, but people, behold, God intentionally left a door open. With an open heart, love and faith, stripped of all the limitation of languages, conventions, and cultures, we are all really God's estranged children. There shouldn't be anything standing between us. Listen hard, and you will understand.

Love Story (6) - Déjà Vu

"Watch, saisai, it's snowing." I looked out of the window, Wow, big pieces of snow flakes flying aginst the vast dark canvas. Lying on my Mom's lap, I couldn't wait to see the Great Wall, "Mama, are we in Beijing yet?" She gently stroked my hair, "Baby, we are almost there. almost there... ..."

Can't remember exactly after how long, the train finally came to a stop. Door slided open. Standing there, I was stunned. All I could see was an open road in front of me, covered with thick silver snow, with big stone sculptures of ancient mythical animals lining on each side. Chilly wind swirled in, I took a step back. "I have been waiting for you, Gege (princess)." I looked up, it's him, in his full armor, sitting on a black horse, he reached out his hand for me. "Come, I have things to say." Next thing I know, I was in his arms, galloping down the road... ... Overlooking the snow capped mountains and the stretch of the Great Wall, he held me in his arms. "Don't wait for me, and don't come look for me," he whispered, "It's a secret mission, I must go away, for Da Qing (the Great Qing Dynasty), for millions of people, and for you." "No, I want to go with you, even if I have to die with you, I don't care." "No, Gege, you will stay, you will get married with a Ahge (prince), have children, and die surrounded by all your grand children, not with me. Believe me, this mission will benefit Chinese people for generations to come. It's much larger than the both of us. If I die, I will die proud... ..." "Don't..."... ....

"Next stop, Embarcadero station." Thank God I didn't oversleep my stop. Uh......, why are all the people looking at me like that? "Girl, you had a bad dream or sth? cuz you scared the bejesus out of me," said the black lady sitting next to me. Oops, sorry. But anyways, I mean, how can I be so crazy about a guy in my dream, while I am this close to dump him in reality?

@ Embarcadero station. I didn't care how he did it, I just rememberd I was so happy seeing him standing there with my favorite purple roses. Opened his arms, he asked with a radiant smile, "Felicity Zou, will you be my girl friend?" ... ..."Did you say yes?" "Great, Grace, you just ruined the moment for me."(Shaking her head in silence)

Anyways, I didn't say anything, instead, I kissed him, in the wind ... ... At that moment, I decided to carry on with this surreal journey, wherever it's leading me. I guess when you are young, prudence is the last thing that's on your mind. To hell with the future, just enjoy the moment, catch it before it drifts away, because this may be your last chance at a blindly crazy, extremely consuming, and helplessly passionate romance.

Love Story (5) - angel and devil

"Will you be my girl friend?" I was dumbfound from the other side of the table when he popped the question. "For becoming Roman Lee's girl friend, you will receive discounts on laptops, free repair of computers, complementary tutoring on economics and finance, and of course, monthly flower delivery ... ..." I still didn't know what to say, and he kept on pitching, "I know you need time to think. Before you say anything, let me tell you, I have 10 very close female friends, I wanna let you know, so there won't be any future misunderstanding ... ..." What?! How dare he? Wait, there is even more of his unscrupulous speech, "Considering we are still in college, our future is not that certain, so I don't want you to overexpect anything from this relationship. Love is about enjoying the very moment, right? You are free to leave me if you find anyone that loves you more than I do, I will be happy for you. I only tell you this because I don't want you to get hurt in the future ... ... " That moment, I felt my heart was suddenly dropped into the arctic river... ...

Same night, I had that dream again. Identical setting, we were two lovers in ancient China. He dressed like a Warrior from the Qing dynasty, and I was a royal princess. Set in the wintertime, wind was blowing as we stood on the Great Wall. But I didn't feel cold cuz I was in his arms. The same tingling sensation as he wispered into my ear, in the exactly same words, he warned me again, do not, do not ... ...

As finals drew near, we both got busy studying, the best excuse to avoid him. I've decided to break if off because I deemed it a very bad investment. Over and over again in my head, I rehearsed my Dear John speech. Grace was even convinced by me that I end this for good, but I couldn't convince my own heart, I liked him, a lot.

Finally, showdown time. "You have something to say to me?" "Yea, ... ..." "Before you say anything, come with me." He grabbed my hand. My heart melt a little... ... Bart station, subway wind was blowing fanatically. "Board the next train to SF, I will be waiting for you there at Embarcadero station." "What? How?" "If I wasn't there when you get off, you are free to do whatever you want. But, if I was there, will you promise to be my girlfriend?" It's all a game to him. He wanna play? I am all game. Train gradually came to a stop, I went into the last carriage. Door closed, I saw him waving, and in a matter of seconds, his figure blurred into streaks of light.

On the train, my body gently swayed from side to side, reminded me of the bumpy train ride to beijing I had when I was only four years old. Not much I remembered, except it's a cold winter morning. I was so concentrated on drawing birds on the foggy window, until my mom nudged me and said "Watch, saisai, it's snowing!" Wow, big pieces of snow flakes flying against the pitch dark canvas... ...

When we focus too much attention on one thing, we lose the vision of other things going on in life. I often pray to the Lord to open my eyes, widen my vision, so I can see through fallacies, illusions, and lies. But often times, we chose to follow the fairy tale instead of walking in the light of truth. As he said, there are always angel and devil talking to you at the same time, but everytime, you chose to listen to the devil.