fly, fly, butterfly

last saturday, vast swarms of butterflies were migrating to the north, it reminded me of Moses leading Israelites out of Egypt. at a moment, I wished I could just take off and fly, spread my wings, fly wherever I want.

None Without Sin

Last night I saw the documentary None Without Sin which depicts one of the most tangled and complicated relationship between the great playwright Arthur Miller and talented director Elia Kazan, a relationship blossomed and then withered against the backdrop of the anti-communist hysteria of the 50s. By looking at those grainy, black-and-white newsreel footages, felt like I was caught in a time warp machine, travel back to the cold war period, a disturbance time I learnt only from my history book. It's so funny and ironic to watch the american government back then, who was so neurotic, scared and paranoid by the word "communism" that they had reached a state of madness: striped everything that had to do with communism, just like what their chinese communist counterparts did in the 1960s during the Chinese Cultural Revolution---trying to eradicate everything about capitalism, even at the sacrifice of lives of innocent people. what's so different between communist and democratic government after all ? It's always about the riches and powerfuls, they are making the history, they are defining the meaning of freedom, and we, the ordinary people are just chesses on their board. Miller and Kazan were also two chesses, except Miller refused to be used and Kazan succumbed. I love how the documentary wrapped up by saying that coming out of that time, nobody was really bad or good, we were all victims and we should be glad that we survived it.

hilarious

President Bush as Benny Hill

Be grateful

I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean.
I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Joke du jour

Nine-year-old Lisa was busy keeling on the floor looking for her favorite marble, and her 4-year-old brother Bob volunteered to pitch in... ...
Lisa:"Where is it? Darn it!"
Bob:"Lisa, what does 'darn it' mean?"
Lisa:... (rolling her eyes)
Bob:"That means you can't find it right?"
Lisa:"Uh huh."
Bob:"Darn it!"

bushidol

bushidol,
originally uploaded by saisai.

bush's approving rate took a nose-dive from 52% to 45%...

window

I always believe that the sun, the moon and those twinkling stars are eyes through which God is watching over us, he is watching every single one of us from above ...

eyes are the windows to our soul. imagine a room without windows, it's like a life without hope. through windows, we are watching the world, everchanging, nonstopping, and refreshing everyday. when there is hope, there is tomorrow, and tomorrow will be a whole new world... though sometimes the sunlight is obstructed by clouds, have faith, believe that the sun is still there, it's not going anywhere, you just can't see it with your eyes clouded with doubt. so when you feel hopeless, my friend, just open the window ... ...

People like us

How do you describe yourself? well, I am a 20-something, college student, asian, female, libra ....... would you introduce yourself by divulging your social class, and what social class do we actually belong to? are we avoiding this sensitive quetions? do we consciously or subconsciously hang with the people like us (financially and socioeconomically)? and what exactly is middle-class? pbs' new film People like us tells all.

Can we learn to change classes, or are we forever trapped in the one we grew up in?

reading list

Fortune revealed its ultimate reading list--75 smartest books that have everything you need to know about business and even more.

where you lead

originally uploaded by saisai.

If you're out on the road
Feelin' lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there
On the next train

Where You Lead
I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need-you need me to be with you
I will follow
Where you lead

for all the daughters: the only unconditional love on earth is the kind of love your mom gives you.

blissful ignorance

part of being grown up is accepting the blaring truth. when u r young, everything is beautiful, everyone is lovable, and every promise is a promise. but as years gone by, things change, people leave or die, promise broken and our eyes begin to open, things are becoming clear, and the answers are unfolding. people say, with age comes wisdom, and so does disillusion, disappointment, and cynicalness. I remember when I was in elementary school, everyday when I come home, I'd see grandma sitting on the patio reading newspaper, sunshine reflecting off her silver hair and her gold glasses frame, "grandmama" I called, and she would look up and smile. in my little heart, I believe I will always come home to this peaceful shelter, no matter how bad a day I'd had. grandma died on a beautiful summer's morning without saying goodbye...life is like a jigsaw puzzle, when u r getting older, things start to make sense and also get predictable, but still those pieces can trick you. you are getting adjusted to the light, but still part of you want to stay in dark, becuz the deep denial gives us comfort and sense of security. often times, there seems are two characters inside of me fighting, like this one: "he still loves me," "oh, stop it, he treats you like crap," "but he used to say he loves me," "oh yeah, well he just want to get laid, all men are like this," ... ... we went back and forth on some issues, like hanging on a cliff, too afraid to jump to the reality, you know you are not gonna hanging there forever, then what in the hell are you waiting for? for an empty promise, for the fading past, or for someone that is not worthy of your love any more? get smart, accept the fact, live in the light, I know is hard, but we are getting stronger everyday.

right to die

the brain-damaged women finally got her feeding tube removed, it took a long time to finally fulfill her own death wish: not to live artificially. when our loved ones are dying, they are living for us, it's a selfish request to have them linger for a life they no longer want, but to us, as long as they are there, with their heart beating, they are still alive. this deep denial comforts our own conscience, we call it love, a selfish love that only prolongs their miseries.

bathroom

yesterday, in my school bathroom, an asian girl discreetly approached me and asked if I'm korean. don't know why but I get this a lot, maybe I have some korean gene from my grand grand dad or sth., that explains my bushy eyebrows and why I am such an avid meat eater. anyway, korean people have this strong commitment to their communities, they are so united and willing to help each other out. This gives me flashbacks to that weekend I spent in koreantown. It's literally an oasis of tranquility in the noisy, shabby, bustling downtown LA. Everything was kept so neat and clean, people are so friendly, and the smell of kimchi and BBQ in the air as you stroll down the local streets is so heavenly and tempting. And their bathroom, man, it is the cleanest public bathroom I've ever seen. and I remember seeing this old korean lady swiped the counter using her own embroidered handkerchief and cleaned up the hair in the sink. it's totally a different scene compared to what I was looking at at that moment in my school bathroom, faucets are left dripping, sinks are clogged with nasty hairs, floor is littered with toilet paper and seat pad, and the stalls are filled with dirty jokes, I will not continue to gross you out with all the details, but doesn't this make you think! doesn't the bathroom tell a lot about a society, a nation, and a culture?

My Wish List

Gilmore Girls DVDs;
Tivo;
pink mini iPod;
Creative Lab MuVo Micro mp3 player/FM Radio Recorder/Voice Record/USB 2.0;
Monster Inc. Boo doll;
Juicy Coutour Argyle V-neck cashmere;
Dyson Vacuum;
Subaru Forrester;
Mini cooper;
trips to Hawayii, NYC, Japan, Europe...;
and a boyfriend to pay for all these, jk
...
...

山重水复疑无路，柳暗花明又一村
When God close one door, he open up another.

These days, Americans rushed to China for big dough only ended up getting lost, frustrated, and even beaten up... it ain't easy, LAO WAI, it takes time and patience.

angry

I am angry, angry with people's apathy, with their emotional numbness and coldness, and with their being jaded to death of other people, even people they know of, even a family member!

Everytime I heard a person died, I felt sorry and sad, even if our life didn't intersect, I still could shed a tear. Yet some people just don't feel a thing, as long as they are sound and alive. what happen to people these days? where is their conscience? yeah, people die every second in the world, does it make death not big a deal? why are people so wrapped up in their own little world, since when do they become such selfish, ignorant and despicable creature? since when does everything could be put a price on? shame on all those years of civilization, even animals shows more affection than some people, I just... sigh

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love yourself ladies

a girl has been spending the night with my unreliable roommate for a week, the other day, when I looked up as they walked out of their room together, she hid behind his back so I could't make out her face. as she hurried for the door, I glanced at her from behind, a slim teenage girl with short soft black hair, white fleece sweatshirt and jeans with a bag hang across her shoulder. She is so skinny as if a summer breeze can blow her over, yet so ahead of her age, in a sense of ____, donno what's the proper word to put in, I can assure you it's not called maturity or even confidence, I don't wanna say she's thick-skinned either, it's just that, she is so unabashed of this whole sleepover thing as she keeps coming back regardless our dropped jaws. We doubt if she's even old enough to be in this situation, so my mom had a serious talk with my roommate, who is still a teenager himself. well, as usual, this sleek liar came up with some lame excuse: "my girlfriend got off work at 3am, so she came over to do her homework" right!
I'm not a prude, I've been through this phase myself, so my heart kinda goes out to that young girl, I wanna tell her that "love yourself and cherish your own body, cuz if you don't even care about it, who will?" anyway, who am I to judge here?

another beautiful Cinderella Story

Jeannette Walls, a successful entertainment reporter, revealed her unusual yet beautiful "rugs to riches" story. Coming from a homeless family, Walls and her parents used to rummage through the garbage can for food, sleep in the car or wherever they could spend the night, and being chased by the bill collectors, who could imagine she managed to step up and become one of the most powful reporters in New York City? but this kind of celebrity-come-from-humble-origin story isn't that surprising in Hollywood at tall. Oprah Winfrey, who was raped at an early age, rose to the most famous and richest talk-show host in the nation; Jim Carrey, who used to work as a janitor scraping pubic hair off the toilet, became today's superstar comedian; Whoopi Goldberg, who used to work in a morgue putting makeup on dead people's face, succeeded as one of the iconic figure in the show business. Think about it, for those of us who are not born as riches, just how low do we have to go down to before we have the desperate strength to make a comeback? maybe we really need to hit the rock bottom before we can sprint and bounce right back. then what about those of us who are hanging in the middle of the water, struggling, paddling, do we let us sink even deeper or keep exhausting our effort to swim upsteam toward the dim light of hope in the eternity of darkness. are we doomed to be mediocre, stuck in the middle, lumped into the normal range (two standard deviations within the mean of the normal distribution)? we are too proud to stoop down to the lower end of the curve, yet there are so little chance we could leap to the upper-end. is it my cynicalness or just the cold hard reality?


p.s. Walls' memoir is called "the glass castle"-----"Dad was going to build it, the house to end all houses. It was going to be the best house ever … It was made of nothing but glass, including the floors and the stairways."

random

Today is one of those days that I feel extremely empty, cranky, and lonely, donno why, I guess it's my delayed PMS, or I didn't get enough sleep, or the weather... so I decide to pamper myself just for today, have some comfort food, have a good long shower, then perhaps a facial and a pore strip. I am way behind my review of tomorrow's mid-term, gotta get myself together now!

barbs are gone

six barbs passed away one by one in the past two weeks for no particular reason, after initial investigation, we concluded that it's the water. nowadays chlorine is added to our tap water as a disinfectant, but if it can kill barbs, it must be doing some extent of harm to our health too, and is just boiling the water enough? I worried.

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

-- For: Jan & Jason and their beautiful baby girl Jasmine
and for my beautiful mom, in my eyes she is the greatest mom in the whole world

It has never been so clear to me and my mom at this moment that our life's upmost priority is our health, nothing can compare to a healthy, well-functioning, happy body, nothing, not even all the money in the world. so we become a pair of diligent gym-goers,four days a week, rain or shine. okay, we had our weak moments when we hesitated to leave the TV, but there would always be one of us managed to drag the other person out of the door and reminded her that in order to have a healthy, and fit body, and not to waste the $40 membership fee, we have to! now my mom is the chubbier one among two of us, so she is now under my intense food-intake supervision, now we are having a very healthy diet, breakfast: whole grain toast with no-hydrogenated-oil peanutbutter, 2% fat milk, and whole grain oatmeal. lunch: mostly vegetables and rice with little meat, dinner: lunch leftover... I also incorporate the concept of "polymeal" into our diet, which is recently proved to be linked to longevity, consisting wine, fish, dark chocolate, fruits and vegetables, almonds and garlic on a daily basis. yup, lots of stuff, but we manage to have a little of everything. again, we also become gluttons once in a while, thanks to my mom's soaring cooking skill after acquiring different ethnic recipes. but, after all, we can always get on the treadmill to burn off those fat. besides physical fitness, mental health is important too, so whenenver the silence is unbearable, we put on some light music. Overall, life is short and full of surprises, and we need a strong body and psyche to survivie.

Mononoke Hime

In the moonlight I felt your heart
Quiver like a bowstring's pulse
In the moon's pure light, you looked at me
Nobody knows your heart
When the sun is gone I see you
Beautiful and haunting, but cold
Like the blade of a knife, so sharp and so sweet
Nobody knows your heart
All of your sorrow, grief and pain
Locked away in the forest of the night
Your secret heart belongs to the world
Of the things that sigh in the dark
Oh the things that cry in the dark

Friday nite I rented "Princess Mononoke," an anime acclaimed as "the star wars of animated features" according to New York Post, it tells a story about a cursed prince from a secluded tribe traveled far to the west to seek for cure, which involves an epic battle and a beautiful love story.

small talk

small talk can be acquired, so relieved cuz I suck at it.

the-circus

the-circus, originally uploaded by saisai.

My Dad is such a big fan of Charlie Chaplin, whenever he's on, my dad would chuckle like a big boy. as for his favorite chaplin moment, it has to be the one in Modern Times, when chaplin got fed by the fiercely spinning corn cob server.

howls-moving-castle

howls-moving-castle, originally uploaded by saisai.

Howl's Moving Castle is a new Japanese anime debuted last year in Japan, since then it's got raving reviews. it will premiere here in June, really looking forward to it.

discipline

right now, I am thinking about ditching class again. why, every tuesday afternoon, I would scout for excuses to ditch my least favorite class--physics. though 99% of students have at least once skipped some classes, I am, frankly, very addicted to ditching classes. it's not like that I am super busy or something, I have two whole afternoons all to myself chilling and vegging out, I just like the thrill, almost like the scene in the movie "Ocean's 11," when they watch the beautiful music fountain in front of Bellagio after the million dollar heist, that's it, like you outsmart the wholeworld, well, I know it's a bit exaggerated. my ditching-class history can trace back to my second grade, no, actually, I began ditching kindergarten long before school, well, it didn't go well, I got caught, parents were called, and I was since scarred from that experience, but that didn't deter me from skipping classes, maybe I am lack of discipline genetically, cuz i always think that I get that from my dad. yet, I can't deny that, underneath all these behaviors, is my inconfidence, my insecurity, and my cowardice, and I am not making a fuss about that. I always wanna run away from things that I am not sure of, things that might put me outside my comfort zone, but isn't it being an adult means that you can't always refuse doing things just becuz you don't feel like to? sometimes, we have to do things by the rule not by your heart.