别理会

2009-04-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

2008-12-08T19:04:00.001-08:00

2008-12-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

2008-12-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

2008-07-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

2008-02-17T21:25:00.001-08:00

2008-01-24T18:41:00.001-08:00

A

2008-01-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

B

2008-01-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

2007-12-20T22:45:00.001-08:00

2007-12-13T19:12:00.001-08:00

2007-11-21T20:26:00.000-08:00

2007-11-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

2007-11-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

Paolo Nutini - Daydream (live, Lovin' Spoonful cover)

2007-10-17T16:27:00.001-07:00

What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for taking a walk outside
I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun
And fall on my face on somebody's new-mown lawn
I've been having a sweet dream
I been dreaming since I woke up today
It's starring me and my sweet thing
'Cause she's the one makes me feel this way
And even if time is passing me by a lot
I couldn't care less about the dues you say I got
Tomorrow I'll pay the dues for dropping my load
A pie in the face for being a sleep'n bull doag
{Whistle}
And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years
What a day for a daydream
Custom made for a daydreaming boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreaming 'bout my bundle of joy
{Whistle}

等一个晴天

2007-10-10T21:02:00.001-07:00

不了情

2007-10-09T21:24:00.001-07:00

遗憾

2007-09-26T14:52:00.001-07:00

爱的代价

2007-09-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

The Gods Must Be Crazy

2007-09-22T08:31:00.001-07:00

辛曉琪 -- 領悟 Wakening

2007-09-21T22:39:00.001-07:00

Zu Mountain Saga

2007-09-21T22:09:00.001-07:00

The Notebook - Remember When (ALAN JACKSON)

2007-09-16T14:01:00.001-07:00

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

Journey of Man: A Genetic Odyssey (Part 1 of 13)

2007-09-10T20:18:00.001-07:00

=）

2007-08-27T18:01:00.001-07:00

Think of Me

2007-08-14T18:10:00.001-07:00

Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.

When you find that, once again, you long to take your heart back
and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me . . .

Think of all the things we've shared and seen -
don't think about the way things which might have been . . .

Think of me,
think of me waking, silent and resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard to put you from my mind.

Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day when I won't think of you . .

Flower fade, the fruit of summer fade
They have the season so do we
But please promise me that sometimes
You will think of me!

有心人有情人

2007-08-08T19:08:00.001-07:00

A friend said...

2007-08-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

友致电，虽然口气还一如平常，可镇定不再
她的无助困惑无奈，一如曾经的我

那字字句句里的疼痛，不会撕心裂肺，却犹如连心的十指被割裂，阴魂不散
你的痛，我都明白，世上太多的无奈
现在的我能做的，实在太少太少。。。

亲爱的，海阔天空，这个世界很大很大
于事于人，我们实在是太过稚嫩，失败挫折在所难免
怀着美好的憧憬，追求心中的梦想，这不是错误，也不是愚蠢，真挚的感情是值得所有人去尊重＆羡慕
人生的道路上学习适当的待人处事态度是一生的必修课
世上没有白食的午餐，经历过风雨的幸福会比一帆风顺的得到更让我们体会应如何去珍惜＆感恩主的恩赐
明白失去的痛苦，我们才会更懂得拥有的美好
放开是永恒的得到

随着时间的消逝，当青涩不在，成熟稳重的人生观和广博丰蕴的世界观一定会让我们尝到生活的甜美
经过挫折的打磨＆时间的考验，你一定会是花园里那朵最娇艳夺目的玫瑰

亲爱的，我没有太多的人生经验能够告诉你，未来会如何发展
但是，我愿意提供一双耳朵＆一颗真心，倾听分享你的心事
在这个冰冷的夏天，这是我仅能为你做的一点事情，
希望你知道，不论何时何地，你都是被深爱的

woman and night cream

2007-08-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

woman, standing in front of mirror, religiously applying her night cream.
fingers tap dance across her face, trying to capture every patch of the skin.
woman believes, night cream does all the magic it promises to do,
night cream sighs, itself is merely a placebo.
sooner or later, age will climb up the very face,
where the finger dances... ...

should the night cream fess up to the woman? A asked,
Of course not, said B,
Both of them are merely doing their jobs,
to fool or to be fooled.

so every night,
night cream still standing guiltily in the cabinet
waiting for the woman to put it on her face,
wishfully thinking, maybe someday,
someday the woman will go straight to bed from shower,
forget to apply her night cream... ...

Just ramble

2007-07-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

"No matter what they tell us, no matter what they do, no matter what they teach us, what we believe are true! No matter where they take us, we will find our road. I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what Im not."

Lalalalala....Im glad to realize, after all those years, all those people I met, and the things I heard, I haven't changed a bit. That same old same old me, hopelessly romantic, little bit naive, immature, but loving and caring, little bit selfish, pessimistic, but somehow want to hang onto every thread of hope.

Will I ever change? for the better, according to others? No baby, just be who you are. From this day on, you are who you are. Not sure if by admitting to it, in itself, is a sea change or not. Nah, moot point.

Future oh future, what are you gonna be like? Friend says, uncertainty means more possibilites. Nice way to put it. Either way, here I am, take you on, whatever you have in store for me.

for good...

2007-07-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

GLINDA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
I have been changed for good

What is woman?

2007-06-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

Have been a woman (used to be girl, of course) for already 20 plus years, never did I ask myself this question until now. What does it mean to be a woman? and what kind of woman do I want to be? What is a woman? As a woman, living in today's world, living this one life, what is our mission? what is our dream? and what is our purpose?

Well, of course it's not hard to find some answers and some definitions, but that's others' ideology, belief and propaganda, what's yours? Your own definition of woman. Well, speaking for myself, I'd like to say women are like this untapped gold mine, buried under weeds, underestimated both by ourselves and by others, but full of potentials, if only we have faith in ourselves. The world is big, it's NOT just about yourself, your man, romance, marriage, family, or kids, there are so much more to life, if only we are willing to open our eyes.

Self Control!!!

2007-06-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a recent illness with my stomach, I realized that my lack of self-control is out of control.

Mom said, how come the older you get, the more spoiled you become, in fact, this time, you are spoiling yourself.

Am I? I too wonder why it takes me more time and energy now to take control of myself and get over things. As of there is this big whining baby inside of me, feeding on my leniency toward myself. Everytime I gave myself permission to go over boundaries, she grew a little big bigger and whined a little bit louder. When she is sad, she has to be consoled; when she didn't get what she wanted, she is making everyone miserable. Her appetite is growing, and Im losing control.

Lord, help me get rid of this giant baby inside of me, im growing tired of it.

Little woman,

2007-06-25T16:51:00.001-07:00

Grow your heart a little bit bigger, and make it a little bit harder... ...

Going Public

2007-06-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

Blackstone prospectus

Farewell

2007-06-20T18:52:00.001-07:00

When I leave you, it will also take me a good cry, but I too will look up to the sky because I know tomorrow will be just as bright... ...

It's not just about love

2007-06-20T18:23:00.001-07:00

When you are young, you fall in love, so head-over-heel, so passionate that you think you can sacrifice anything just for love. However, as you grow up, you gradually realize that it's not that simple. You see, I love you + You love me does not necessarily produces marriage on the other side of the equation. Somehow, you find out that you are not the one that matters in your own life. It's not just about love, about you, about the two of you, there are a gazillion other people, things, dreams, broken hearts, ... ... pulling at you. Suddenly, it's not about you anymore. You are not important. It's not about love any more, love is trivial. Let's talk about reality, let's talk about being practical. No wonder people always say that growing up sucks. Grownups and children hold totally different systems of logic. So, what do we do? or should we ask, what do you want me to do?

Just some thoughts

2007-06-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

1. GMAT's quantitive part is really elementary level, but the point is, they are not testing the tedious formulas and algorithms, instead, it is your way to approach a problem that is tested. Do you know how to use ur brain? Do you use it as an analyzer, or just a database? B-people's math rarely go beyond addition, subtraction, division and multiplication. Overthinking is not getting you anywhere, here is an example:

If r is remainder of p/m, is r>1?

1). the greatest common divisor of m and p is 2
2). the least common multiple of m and p is 30

is 1), 2) alone sufficient enough to solve the problem, or u need both conditions, or both won't even solve the problem, the so-called data sufficiency problem.

2. The ex-wives club, the new ABC reality show, is stupid! What message is it trying to convey to those broken-hearted woman? That hatred and revenge are the remedies? They even send those poor women immediately to a blind date after the breakup, and later send the tape to their ex's to make them feel bad. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! Sorry, can't come up with a more fitting adj.

Happy Father's Day!

2007-06-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

Besides for the purpose of commerical gains, Mom and Pop's day was created to make us, the children, feel guilty. I have to admit that I am a very bad bad daughter. Not that I have taken drugs or gotten pregnant or anything, I still feel that there are so many things that I could have done or done better, for them. Take 'em all for granted, their love, care and endless looking after.
Sometimes you don't have to get into trouble to be a bad kid, just those small things in life, that we really should start to learn to appreciate.

Dad, Happy Father's Day!

Grandma's Orchard [I]

2007-06-15T13:14:00.001-07:00

"Oh, how time flies!" Rocking in her chair, Grandma would always start her story like this. "It feels just like yesterday, I was at most your age last time I was in the orchard..(counting with fingers)....66 years have passed, I wonder what it's like now, have other people already found it? ... ..."

The orchard Grandma was talking about is a fairyland she serendipitously stepped in when she was young. My parents never took it seriously, "Mom, Apple is too old to listen to those fairy tale any more," they would say whenever I asked Grandma to tell me about the orchard and the fairies. "But it's ture!" Grandma would insist. I was the only one who believed her, and in my heart, I have always wanted to find that orchard, for her.

My name is Apple. Grandma gave me the name, and you know why. According to her, there is this huge apple tree in the middle of the orchard, and every year it only bears three apples. Gold, silver and red are their colors. Bigger than any normal-sized apples, their skin glitters under the sun. Oh, and the aroma that draws you in, it's undescribable. I asked Grandma if she ever tasted any of the special apples, she would always smile mysteriously and say, "I will tell you when you are old enough."

I don't like to be left hanging, but there is no evidence whatsoever. As a matter of fact, Grandma's old house had been scouted for you-don't-know how many times, still. I know it's bad, and you kids out there should never eumulate. Like Grandma said, everything happens at the right timing, and you can't hasten things, it's fate." So I wait, wait for the day to come, a day when I can be called a grown-up.

There is this old chinese saying, "If it's yours, nobody can take it away from you. but if it's not, no matter how hard you try, you still can't get it." Such a fatalistic point of view. But for those of you who are brought up taught to go after what you want, are you happy with the things you acquired by force? When an apple is not ripe enough, you know it's not going to taste good if you pick it early. While a butterfly belongs to a garden, you can't keep it in your little cage, because it will eventually die. Every thing happens at their own pace, and you gotta be patient, otherwise, you could lose a whole lot more than you can ever imagine... ...

together?

2007-06-14T15:18:00.001-07:00

Have to share!

2007-06-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Have been reading Emanuel Derman's My Life as a Quant, such a well-written book that I have to share with you some of the classic quotations:

Ever since, through ups and downs, I have tried to remember that no matter how low you get, about work or life, you can take some solace from the fact that the future is unpredictable. Even in the midst of misery, unexpectedly good things can happen without warning."

Years later I met corporate lawyers and Wall Street salesmaen who touted the fringe benefits of their jobs -- first class flights, expensive meals, and fancy hotels. I silently scorned their focus on the material benefits of work. In physics, I thought, the life itself was the benefit; talking about physics to interesting people in interesting places was the main dish, not the cutlery.

"This coercion had such a deterring effect that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distateful to me for an entire year." [words of Einstein]

to be continued ... ...

Quotes from Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

2007-06-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

"Nietzsche's words, 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'"

"When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves"

"Fundamentally, therefore, any man can, even under such circumstances, decide what shall become of him - mentally and spiritually. He may retain his human dignity even in a concentration camp."

"We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering."

"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

"Man is capable of changing the world for the better if possible, and of changing himself for the better if necessary."

"Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death." (Cf. Song of Solomon 8:6)

Daily Reflection

2007-06-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!
It has no commander, no overseer or ruler,
yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.

How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest --
and poverty will come on you like a bandit and
scarcity like an armed man.

-Proverb 6:6-11

Have been sluggish on my studying for the GMAT. It's shocking how fast a day can pass with very few things getting done. Woke up late to start from mid day, long hours spent in front of laptop doing nothing, and didn't help much with the chores around the house either. This rustiness is catching up to me, and I have to make a change to it.

Heartless

2007-06-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

"People say, a man is like a head of onion, a woman is trying to find his heart by peeling off the skins, while doing it, tears well up, but she keeps at it. but eventually, the woman will sadly find out that he doesn't really have a heart." Quoted from a frend of mine.

Women are silly, if one woman peeled a onion and got it, shouldn't we all get it by now? What irritates me even more is that even the very women who got it earlier, later will again fall into the illusion that maybe this one has a heart?

Wake up, silly women! Bubble wrap your heart today and put it in a swiss bank safe or under your mattress or anywhere so that heartless men will never get to them. Trust me, you've got to protect yourself, save your heart from those lofty and saccharine promises, selfish and self-centered excuses, and tell him "sorry buddy, left my heart at home today." Without it, what else is there to lose in this cruel cruel game of love?

Im reading

2007-06-02T17:42:00.001-07:00

If ever I would leave you

2007-06-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer.
Seeing you in summer I never would go.
Your hair streaked with sun-light,
Your lips red as flame,
Your face witha lustre that puts gold to shame!

But if I'd ever leave you,
It couldn't be in autumn.
How I'd leave in autumn I never will know.
I've seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air.
I know you in autumn
And I must be there.

And could I leave you running merrily through the snow?
Or on a wintry evening
when you catch the fire's glow?

If ever I would leave you,
How could it be in spring-time?
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?

Oh, no! not in spring-time!
Summer, winter or fall!
No, never could I leave you at all!

-Camelot

Last

2007-05-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

There is something about the word "last." Mundane things become memorable if it was preceded by "it's the last time I... ..." Just picked up my laundry "one last time" from the Stern Laundry Room, yea, this time, I remembered to clean the lint trap very thoroughly, take a panoramic look around the shabby little room, still, I felt attached. "When will the next time I see you again?" The answer is very likely to be "never." An ominous word that almost shocked me. But, it's ok, tho Im graduating, I can still have my friend sign me in, so when I leave the building, I will remember to sneak in the laundry room just to recapture the good old memory, yea, remember last time, when I arduously put all my stuff in the washer, and just to find out it's out of order. And don't let me even start on the swiper that won't take my money. Oh, it will never be the same. But, at the same time, don't be so pessimistic, the world moves on, so should you and I. You will find new freshmen moving in that will slam the dryer door so hard but you become friends anyway. and I will find other laundry rooms, maybe I will have my own washer and dryer someday. Life is full of possibilities. The word "last" doesn't necessarily mean an end, it marks a new beginning, another chapter of our life, one page closer to the future, there will be changes for sure, but it will be fun, believe me, just like Rory said, "It is wide open!" So go! Embrace the future, spread the wings, and fly high!

Life is good

2007-05-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

Love, friendship, chocolate, sunset clouds, summer night, singing, laughing ... ... I am happy right now.

Good Friday

2007-04-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

I feel peace, I feel cleansed and I feel pure, because Jesus' blood has washed away my sin.

2007-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Frrresh

2007-02-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

My fave S&C moment

Have you lived?

2007-01-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

Have been reading Eva Hoffman's "Lost in Translation," when the heroine described that her Mom always wept on a particular date, the date when her younger sister got killed in the war, she was only eighteen. Whenever her Mom thought of her, she would say, "She hadn't even lived yet."

How do you define if a person has lived or not? Do I have to climb all the mountains, dive in every ocean, taste all kinds of delicacies, travel the world, try out every adventure......before I can claim that I have lived? My grandma never traveled outside of China her entire life, can we say a hardworking, tenacious woman, who was widowed at a young age, stuggled to bring up four of her children all by herself, had not lived her life?

How do I want to live my life, so that when the day comes, I could say that I have lived the life I always wanted... ...

You ARE strong

2006-12-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

Be Strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

- Joshua 1:9b

2006-12-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

Are we helplessly stupid?

I left my heart in San Francisco

2006-12-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

The loveliness of Paris seems somehow sadly gay,
The glory that was Rome is just another day,
I've been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan,
I'm going home to my city by the bay.

I left my heart in San Francisco,
high on a hill it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars.
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care.
My love waits there in San Francisco, above the blue and windy sea,
When I come home to you, San Francisco, your golden sun will shine for me

-Tony Bennett

Eluding Happiness

2006-11-27T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Happiness is the process, not the place, ... ... So many of us think that when we get everything just right, and obtain certain goals and circumstances, everything will be in place and we will be happy.... But once we get everything in place, we still need new goals and activities. The Princess could not just stop when she got the Prince."

- Do you have what it takes to lead a happier life (<= click!!!)

2006-11-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

雪人

Love thy neighbor

2006-11-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

Love,
Love is not a feeling.
Love is not just affection.
Love means "do your part!"
Talks of love can be so cheap.
Love is what you do.
Love washes away your fatigue.
Grow your heart a little bigger.
Think outside of yourself.
Spill out the love.
Focus on love.
Love.

2006-11-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

You start to think when you stop saying Amen to everything you are told

Caution!

2006-11-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

It's the time of the month again. Please be forewarned!!!

Love Story - (12) The perfect sunset

2006-10-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

"Oh my dear, I'm afraid you will have to see the sunset on my plane, cuz we are going to the Great Wall in, let's say, an hour."
"... ... "
"No time for questions, get ready, now!"
... ...
... ...
He used to say, there is this intrinsic value in watching sunsets, but I never got it. As our plane pulled up steeply into the sky, and finally broke through the thick layer of clouds, I saw it, there, the perfect sunset... ... If I were to die at the next second, I could proudly say, that I have no regret spending my last second on earth watching the most beautiful sunset. What's the "sunset" in your life? What are you busy doing every day and night? Are they as meaningful as watching the sunset? What is driving your life right now?

Okay, my poor readers, I won't bombard you with any more questions, since you have been so loyally followed along my story. But keep those questions in mind, and hopefully someday, you will realize, as how I realized at that moment, that how much we have missed out by occupying ourselves with meaningless things. Whatever is driving you right now, be it money, fame, fear, loneliness, or anxiety, try to make it "love." Let love take the driver's seat for one time, love somebody, with all your heart, make a commitment, and then you will be able to see THE perfect sunset, I promise.

"Hey Sunshine, this is the captain speaking, I want to welcome you to flight 1 bound for Beijing, our flight time today is 16 hours , we will be flying at an average altitude of 29,000 feet, on behalf of Wilde Airline and myself, I want to wish you a enjoyable stay at Beijing and hopefully find your lost husband there, now sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight... ..."

2006-10-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

Walking out of yet another interview room, never have I felt so lost and tired. Felt like I was being tossed by waves everyday, waves of "shoulds," I should go to classes, I should find a job, I should do research on the company, I should blah... ... when my heart is really saying, skip the class, read a book, spend more time with people you love, and take time to figure out what you really want. "No, no, no, no time," says the mind, and the body just moves mechanically to places where I am supposed to be at a certain time, from Evans, to Career Center, to Haas, to Foothill DC, to Career Center again, and to Barrows... ...

A truly happy birthday

2006-10-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

2006-10-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

走著忍著　醒著想著　看爱情悄悄近了
冷的暖的　甜的苦的　在心里缠绕成河
曲折的心情有人懂　怎麽能不感动
几乎忘了昨日的种种　开始又敢做梦

我决定不躲了　你决定不怕了
我们决定了让爱像绿草原滋长著
天地辽阔相遇多难得?
都是有故事的人才听懂心里的歌

我决定不躲了　你决定不怕了
就算下一秒坎坷这一秒是快乐的
曾经交心就非常值得
我要专注爱你
不想别的,没有忐忑

Fear

2006-10-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

I finally spot my biggest fear -- void. It's like this deep deep hole, that I want to fill up so desperately, anything, give me anything so I can fill it up, be it garbage, TV cords, plastic bags, I don't mind, just as long as I am occupied. It's true that when you start things for the wrong reason, you will never get it right. Okay, dump all the trash out, go back to square 1, and start all over!

2006-10-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

Remember him -
before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
or the wheel broken at the well,
and the dust returns to the ground I came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it.
Meaningless! Meaningless! says the teacher,
everything is meaningless!

-Ecclesiastes 12:6-8

It's not about the tartar sauce!!!

2006-10-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I accidentally tore the left sleeve of my fleece jacket, then I felt that finally the jacket can be officially called my own, cuz I have done some damage to it. If some random guy grab it and claim it's his, I would just say, it's mine, cuz there is slit on the left sleeve, that's my signature there. Why do we always hurt the ones we love? when they are the only ones who care. and why do we go around and claim things as our own when we actually own nothing in this world, not even our life. Oh well, seems I started the semester on the wrong foot, everything hasn't gone the way I wanted it to be, disappointments accumulated over days, weeks, and months, to a point today, 11:02 am to be exact, that I really wanted to cry. So I did, a passerby looked at me and asked, "did something get into your eyes?" I smiled and nodded, but what I really mean to say is that, "it's not about the tartar sauce, it's about me."

Addiction

2006-10-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Google is not working!!! What happened? When did I allow myself to get so dependent on him? Just can't imagine a world without him. But hey, Google is not going to be around forever, someday someone will replace him, and I might think of him once in a while, and told my grandchildren, once upon a time ... ...

Love Story - (11) I would like to see a sunset

2006-10-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Wake up, Sunshine! ... ..."
"Where am I?... ... Oh my God, what time is it?"
"Don't worry! I already called your MD and told him you quit."
"You what? ..."
"Yes, I did you a big favor. It's okay, you don't have to thank me now."
... ...
Okay, Felicity, wake up! Oh Lord, I am awake. Please, please tell me this is a dream. I haven't finished my valuation, and oh my God, the 3pm meeting with project team ... ... Yes, this is how I ended my shortlived career and No, he is not joking. After furiously staring at him for another 2 minutes, we both broke into a big laughing fit. Man, I gave up.

"Do you know why I did it?" He handed me a hot towel.
"Cuz you hate me, you hate me because I stole your four-colored pen."
"Oh yea, you should give that back. But anyways, I did it because of you."
"Right! Running into you is my best luck of the year."
"Oh Yea, you bet! Do you know how long you cried last night? and all those things you said, you don't remember?"
"What did I say?"
"You told me everything, so I decided to help you, help you to get what you really want from this life."
... ... ... ...
Funny, funny, funny. At that point of time, unemployed, with no idea where my life is heading, with a bad hangover and a bad hair, I felt something, something I haven't felt for so long, and if my memory serves me right, that something is called happiness, and last time I licked it, it's sweet.

"Okay my little princess, now you have all the time in the world, what would you like to do first?"
Looking out of the window, I smiled, "Sunset, I would like to see a sunset... ..."

Love Story - (10) Hey Sunshine

2006-10-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

Tired. Not physically, not emotionally, but both. Before I know it, it's already 9 o'clock at night. Outside of my office window, the city was lit up so beautifully; whereas in front of me, a big stack of paper, two slices of cold and stale pizza, and one disgruntled coworker, fidgeting with his empty soda cup. "Come on, let's hit the bar for some drink."

I always order Cosmo when I feel down, red, is his favorite color... ... "Hey, that old dude over there is totally checking you out." I look up. What a familiar face, though a little weathered, still, it's him, I can tell, you can never go wrong with that hallmark smile. "Hey Sunshine!" he raises his cup to me from the other side of the counter.

"Hey Moonlight!" (our secret greeting). Mason Wilde, an old classmate turned good friend. I always believe that we have some sort of special connection, like two years ago, he flew all the way from switzerland to berkeley to sit right next to me on an Econ Discussion section, the same way as today, when God send him to me again when I feel like hitting the bottom.

"Of all the gin joints in the world, you have to walk into mine."
"What are you doing in Chicago? and where is your wife?"
"Answer me first, what are you doing in Chi-town, and where is your hubby?"
... ...
An hour later...
... ...
"That's funny, you got abandoned by your fiance, and I got divorced by my wife, girl, we have to drink to this! Hey, bartender, two martinis, please!"
"But Mason, I still have work."
"Shihhh...."
... ...
Another hour later...
... ...
We are singing and dancing. There is no one in the world could crack me up the way like he does, and there is no one like him that could make complex things so crytal clear to me. He is this guy, earned all the money in the world, suddenly quit his job, because one day, his doctor told him "Mason, if you keep working like a maniac, you at most have another 10 months." He showed me his old pictures, the before and after contrast is like from Pavarotti to Michael Bolton, and I am not kidding. So he came to berkeley, as he said, all he cares now are health, good food, and family. "You can push your body, and your body can take the shit, but once it's damaged, it will never be fixed." That's how he tried to persuade me not to enter ibanking. But, I chose not to listen.

"Now your wife left you cuz you are broke, how ironic! When you finally have the time to be with her, she left."
"Yea, you women are so enigmatic. What do you women want? huh?"
"I don't know."
"Yea, you do know, you women want everything. But, like the Chinese said, bear and fish, you can only choose one. So, quit your shitty job and go look for him, if you still care."
"But... ..."
"No but. Look at you! I don't think you can go on for too long without him. Come on girl, you know where to find him, I know you do, just follow your heart ..."

Trend

2006-09-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

Our world is changing so fast, make sure to keep up/ahead of the trend!!!

2006-09-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

I don't want to to wait for our lives to be over,
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,
Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

At Last

2006-09-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Ohh yeah
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh yeah yeah
You smiled ohh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last ... ...

- to Cecilia & Max

Happy Birthday, DAD!

2006-09-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

Love Story (9) - Let go

2006-09-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

"When was the last time you saw him?"
"The day before our wedding."
"What were you guys doing?"
"We just had our lunch together, as usual, and kissed goodbye, as ususal."
"Anything particular you guys talked about?"
"No, anything is normal, just like any other day... ..."

Now, looking back, that day is so blurred in my memory. What did we talk about? Vaguely, I recalled some discussion about a book. He was talking, but I felt he was talking to himself. His eyes were so far away. Now come think of it, it is the perfect way to end our story. We would go about doing things like we normally do, have lunch, talk about trivial stuff, part with a quick kiss, walk away in the opposite directions and never look back. "Bye, Honey" is the last thing he said to me.

He is now in a place where I don't belong. Somehow during our time together, I already felt this otherworldness about him, and subconsciously, I know we don't belong together. It took me a long time to learn to have a nonpossessive love, from him, and so, on that day, he knows that I am ready, ready to finally let him go. Honey, are you proud of me now? I can see him nodding with a big smile on his face.

"Have you ever tried to find him?"
"How? If he doesn't want to be found, nobody can find him."
"Hire a private detective or something. You gotta find his ass, I want to kick it so bad!"
"No, I am not mad at him. Besides, I don't feel like looking for him either."
"He might be murderred, or he might elope with another rich woman, don't you want to find out?"
"Hah, Grace, you and your imagination. Well, I don't know, but I know one thing for sure, that is, he is alive ... ..."

2006-09-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

I am craving for summer rolls, fresh and crisp vegies wrapped in a thin rice paper, dipped into those peanut sauces, yummmmm. A very good way to bid farewell to yet another summer.

Taking a break from this Love Story series. Ever since I left Chicago, I feel that I lost my muse. Part of me refused to come back, so I left her at the O'hare Airport. The lake view from my office, the pink train passing by my window everyday, and the friends I made over the summer, I miss them.

Love Story (8) - Dear Diary

2006-08-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary, today's lake is a bewitching turquoise, I just couldn't resist it. So after work, I took a long walk along the lake shore. Sitting on the beach, my heart was as calm as the water... ...

"I want to be a business woman when I grow up, just like my Mom. How about you, Felicity?" "I want to be a singer. Hold a concert at a Navy base and sing for the marines. And you, Priscilla?" "Uh..., I don't know. Maybe I will open up a chocolate store, everything in it will be made of chocolate." ... ... I let out a scoff, 16 years old's us seemed even more certain about the future than we are today. I still remembered that afternoon, when the three of us decided to skip a class to go to the beach. "Do you remember, Grace?" "Yea..." On the other end of the phone, I could hear her voice shaking. If Priscilla was still around, she would see that neither of us has fulfilled our dreams. Not even close. "You still remember the game we played that afternoon?" How can I forget? The result is still perplexing me today.

It was a game about the future, but what is so ironic about it is you will have to ask yourself in your prior life. Kinda like the ouija game, instead, we used pen and paper, your partner's right hand and your left hand intertwined and holding the pen together. Calling out your prior life repeatedly until the pen started moving itself, then you can ask whatever questions, and the answer will be revealed on the paper... ...

"You should definitely go to the Great Wall. Priscilla died there, your prior life told you to go, and now the strange dream... ..." Yea, they are all coming together for me now. I have never been to the Great Wall, but feel like I have been there million times, and it has always been a mysterious place for me. I didn't get to see it that winter, our car was snowed in, and the whole Great Wall was closed to public. Are you ready to see me now, Great Wall? I am no longer that chubby little girl, singing all the way on the train, longing to see you, so much that I couldn't fall asleep. To me now, you have become a sad sad place, a place where I lost my best friend, where I was cursed ... ...

Dear Diary, what's good about knowing the future? and what's good about growing up? If I could choose, I'd rather be that chubby little girl forever, cuz I know, she is happier.

Love Story (7) - wicked is as wicked does

2006-08-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Just like that, a kiss in the wind, as spontaneous as skipping a History class on a Tuesday afternoon. No promise of an everlasting love, no binding of loyalty, nor guarantee of future, but as I often tell my friends, what's a promise good for if it can be broken at any moment?

However, I am the kind of domestic animal that cannot live with too much freedom, or do I ever want freedom at all? Growing up with people in my life as my emotional crutches, be it my parents, my friends, or my ex-boyfriends, I like to depend on them, someone I can hold on to, so I won't sink to the botton. But him, he taught me to stand up all by myself, "You can do it! Just let go of my hand, trust me... ..." "Roman, I'm floating, yes!" ... ... ... ..."Remember, the one who loves you the most is always yourself." This is his way of saying "I love you," I guess. As time passes, I learned to decipher his language, pick up hints of warmth along the way, and started to see love from a point of view that I've never seen before.

My friends were often puzzled when they heard I was still with him. "He is weird." is all they can say about him, what a brash verdict. Have you ever asked yourself, how many of these kinds of verdicts you gave out everyday that keep you from really getting to know a person? People are not born "wicked." Just because she/he looks or acts differently from you, does that make her/him a lower person? have you ever bothered to hear their stories? Have you ever taken off your glasses of prejudice and stererotype, and really see people as who they are.

A long long time ago, God split up men's "language," so they stopped listening to each other, but people, behold, God intentionally left a door open. With an open heart, love and faith, stripped of all the limitation of languages, conventions, and cultures, we are all really God's estranged children. There shouldn't be anything standing between us. Listen hard, and you will understand.

Love Story (6) - Déjà Vu

2006-08-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

"Watch, saisai, it's snowing." I looked out of the window, Wow, big pieces of snow flakes flying aginst the vast dark canvas. Lying on my Mom's lap, I couldn't wait to see the Great Wall, "Mama, are we in Beijing yet?" She gently stroked my hair, "Baby, we are almost there. almost there... ..."

Can't remember exactly after how long, the train finally came to a stop. Door slided open. Standing there, I was stunned. All I could see was an open road in front of me, covered with thick silver snow, with big stone sculptures of ancient mythical animals lining on each side. Chilly wind swirled in, I took a step back. "I have been waiting for you, Gege (princess)." I looked up, it's him, in his full armor, sitting on a black horse, he reached out his hand for me. "Come, I have things to say." Next thing I know, I was in his arms, galloping down the road... ... Overlooking the snow capped mountains and the stretch of the Great Wall, he held me in his arms. "Don't wait for me, and don't come look for me," he whispered, "It's a secret mission, I must go away, for Da Qing (the Great Qing Dynasty), for millions of people, and for you." "No, I want to go with you, even if I have to die with you, I don't care." "No, Gege, you will stay, you will get married with a Ahge (prince), have children, and die surrounded by all your grand children, not with me. Believe me, this mission will benefit Chinese people for generations to come. It's much larger than the both of us. If I die, I will die proud... ..." "Don't..."... ....

"Next stop, Embarcadero station." Thank God I didn't oversleep my stop. Uh......, why are all the people looking at me like that? "Girl, you had a bad dream or sth? cuz you scared the bejesus out of me," said the black lady sitting next to me. Oops, sorry. But anyways, I mean, how can I be so crazy about a guy in my dream, while I am this close to dump him in reality?

@ Embarcadero station. I didn't care how he did it, I just rememberd I was so happy seeing him standing there with my favorite purple roses. Opened his arms, he asked with a radiant smile, "Felicity Zou, will you be my girl friend?" ... ..."Did you say yes?" "Great, Grace, you just ruined the moment for me."(Shaking her head in silence)

Anyways, I didn't say anything, instead, I kissed him, in the wind ... ... At that moment, I decided to carry on with this surreal journey, wherever it's leading me. I guess when you are young, prudence is the last thing that's on your mind. To hell with the future, just enjoy the moment, catch it before it drifts away, because this may be your last chance at a blindly crazy, extremely consuming, and helplessly passionate romance.

Love Story (5) - angel and devil

2006-08-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

"Will you be my girl friend?" I was dumbfound from the other side of the table when he popped the question. "For becoming Roman Lee's girl friend, you will receive discounts on laptops, free repair of computers, complementary tutoring on economics and finance, and of course, monthly flower delivery ... ..." I still didn't know what to say, and he kept on pitching, "I know you need time to think. Before you say anything, let me tell you, I have 10 very close female friends, I wanna let you know, so there won't be any future misunderstanding ... ..." What?! How dare he? Wait, there is even more of his unscrupulous speech, "Considering we are still in college, our future is not that certain, so I don't want you to overexpect anything from this relationship. Love is about enjoying the very moment, right? You are free to leave me if you find anyone that loves you more than I do, I will be happy for you. I only tell you this because I don't want you to get hurt in the future ... ... " That moment, I felt my heart was suddenly dropped into the arctic river... ...

Same night, I had that dream again. Identical setting, we were two lovers in ancient China. He dressed like a Warrior from the Qing dynasty, and I was a royal princess. Set in the wintertime, wind was blowing as we stood on the Great Wall. But I didn't feel cold cuz I was in his arms. The same tingling sensation as he wispered into my ear, in the exactly same words, he warned me again, do not, do not ... ...

As finals drew near, we both got busy studying, the best excuse to avoid him. I've decided to break if off because I deemed it a very bad investment. Over and over again in my head, I rehearsed my Dear John speech. Grace was even convinced by me that I end this for good, but I couldn't convince my own heart, I liked him, a lot.

Finally, showdown time. "You have something to say to me?" "Yea, ... ..." "Before you say anything, come with me." He grabbed my hand. My heart melt a little... ... Bart station, subway wind was blowing fanatically. "Board the next train to SF, I will be waiting for you there at Embarcadero station." "What? How?" "If I wasn't there when you get off, you are free to do whatever you want. But, if I was there, will you promise to be my girlfriend?" It's all a game to him. He wanna play? I am all game. Train gradually came to a stop, I went into the last carriage. Door closed, I saw him waving, and in a matter of seconds, his figure blurred into streaks of light.

On the train, my body gently swayed from side to side, reminded me of the bumpy train ride to beijing I had when I was only four years old. Not much I remembered, except it's a cold winter morning. I was so concentrated on drawing birds on the foggy window, until my mom nudged me and said "Watch, saisai, it's snowing!" Wow, big pieces of snow flakes flying against the pitch dark canvas... ...

When we focus too much attention on one thing, we lose the vision of other things going on in life. I often pray to the Lord to open my eyes, widen my vision, so I can see through fallacies, illusions, and lies. But often times, we chose to follow the fairy tale instead of walking in the light of truth. As he said, there are always angel and devil talking to you at the same time, but everytime, you chose to listen to the devil.

Love Story (4) - c'est la vie

2006-07-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

Another long day of work, 5:30 pm, most of the people already clocked out. The janitor came around my cube to clean the trash can, I know what she must be thinking, "this girl has no life." The weather outside looks frightful, like an unhappy baby's face, you know she is not going to hold it any longer. "There is a T-storm warning for Cook County, you better go home now." She sounds like my grandma. Yea, it's time to go, but where is my home? I let out a sigh, light enough to elude a dog's ears. In a day like this, I just want to snuggle besides him like the good old days, love the tingling sensation when I can feel his breath over my shoulder. He would press my body close to his. There would be no words, just us... ...

"Got my love letter yesterday?" He sat down right next to me before the class started. "It was you?" "Sorry if I've scared you, I can explain ... ..." okay, it turned out that the whole thing was orchestrated by him, and Grace as complice. "You ... ..." "Sneaky bastard? It's okay, you can say it. But, I think I still owe that homeless guy the second installment of his compensation." Hah, I let out a big laugh. Deeply flattered, I mean he is the first one went this far to get my attention, you have to give it to him. So, I started dating him.

... ... big lighting bolt followed by a heavy thunder succeeded to bring me back to the present sense. "Are you kidding me? That's all he did to win your heart?" The Janitor gives me a dubious look. In her funny iranian accent, "My husband wooed me for 4 years. One time, he stood in the rain for 5 hours to convince me to go out with him. Girl, you have to know the game rules, you know..." "Sorry, gotta go!" I don't know if I am too tired of her nagging or I just dislike the word 'game' in the context of love, I storm out of the office before she finishes her sentence.

7:36 pm, my apartment, dinner for one, steamed bun with miso soup. Finished it in 30 minutes. Done with the dishes, I changed into casual clothes and flied out of my apartment. I have a date today. With who? With myself. I got the idea from a friend who visited a short time ago, "you can do a lot of things by yourself ... ..." Exactly! Chicago is the kind of city where you will never get bored, and I don't want to waste another night away in front of the TV. The date started out with a movie, "Lake House" with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Great story, a remake of a korean movie and shot in Chicago. There is only one merit to korean dramas, their emphasis on the fragility of life. There will always be somebody died in a korean drama. It's life, people die, they are not going to be around forever, you see them one day, and they might die on you the next, you never know ... ... Like all good movies did to me, I felt I was still in the story, following the two characters around when I walked out of the show room. Balmy weather outside, the night is still young, so I took myself to Navy Pier to watch the firework show. Sitting on lake bank, music in the air, the firework lasted for a solid half hour. Okay, miss, enjoy yourself so far? He would ask me on our dates, and solicit feedback on a scale from 1 to 10. Oh well, nothing is perfect, 9.9999.... is always my answer to him.

I decided to top off my date with a vanilla ice cream cone, dripping all over my hand, I felt like a little girl again. Mmm..., a 'perfect 10' date. Told ya, women are good at deceiving themselves.

Love Story (3) - Dream

2006-07-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

"It's just a stupid dream... ..." At starbuck, table for two, over one double shot espresso and one decaf vanilla cappuccino, we were busy doing our little catch up during class break (yea, Grace and I are very different kinds of people). "So you are not gonna go out with him?" I could tell she was a little disappointed. "I don't know, I am kinda seeing someone right now." "What? and you didn't tell me?!" Now, this time she is real mad. I didn't tell her because she also knows him, it's a brother in our church. There is this chemistry between us, but it's good to keep it under ground, especially if you are in a church life. Anyways, it's kind of sad that it seems the only way for girls to bond is to talk about guys in their lives. Everytime we meet, our topic would wind up going down that direction. She would talk about her crush, and I would get all excited babbling about mine. Woman, can we talk about something else? like books, or movies, music, anything but guys, they are not the whole world.

Afternoon, after a whole two-hour lecture about complex analysis, my brain was desperately in need of something sans logic and reasoning, so I sought refuge in Cody's. It's my favorite place to spend a lazy afternoon. Sometimes I would devote all three hours to Cosmo, other times I would peruse over some big thick novels I know I won't read if I buy them, it all depends on my mood, and that particular afternoon, I was in mood of something mysterious, like a psychological thriller or something. I guess it has something to do with that dream... ... Literature section, I was going through the books randomly on the rack. "Can't decide which one to read?" An old man, dressed like any homeless guy on Telegraph, standing behind me asked. I nodded. "Here, I think you should read this." As soon as I took the book from his weather-worn hands, he vanished. Okay, this is getting more and more twilight zone to me, I better go home now. As I rushed out of the bookstore, all those strange scenes from the dream came back to me, somehow, I heard his whisper again, or is that just the wind?

I ran all the way to the bus station, totally forgot about the book that was under my arm the whole time, until I got home. Great, I just stole a book. So, what is the book you may ask. It's W. Somerset Maugham's Of Human Bondage. It's sitting right next to my laptop right now, a little worn, and if you flip through it, you would find a hand-written note tucked in the middle, which reads "I like Felicity." ... ...

Something about dreams. Are they just some random mental activities when we fall asleep? or they mean more than that, more than we can fathom. Like a portal, through which we enter into a mystic realm, where someone is trying to communicate with us.

love story (2) - Don't

2006-07-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

"Okay, I will see you at 12 then." ... ... I stood there for a couple of seconds, kinda let the fact sink in. Oh my god, what have I done? I promised Grace that we are gonna have lunch together that was long due, plus she said it's important, I can't blow her off ... ... fast forward to 12pm, at the cafe, Grace was sitting at one table reading a book, where is that guy? Hah, he's late, you can't be late on your first date, not even a split second, so you are out! When I see him, I will just tell him straight out that I am not interested. "Hey woman, what up!" "Don't call me woman, woman! That is so rude of you!" "Yea, yea, whatever... ..." just as we were goofing around as we always do, a guy approached our table, "oh, do you know Roman? I invited him to lunch today, sorry I forgot to tell you." Grace winked at me as she said that. Jeez, he was the guy she wanted to set me up with. You got to be kidding me. "Felicity and I already met." ... ...

What a weird day, just hung up with Grace after a whole hour of "oh my God," "no way" phone conversation, I was so exhausted that I must have forgotten when I fell asleep ... ... ... ... "Don, Don't!" I let out a scream, so loud that I woke myself up. It's a dream, just a dream. But it felt so real. I felt his arms wrapped around me, so warm, and he wispered something into my ear, so clearly, I still remembered it. But I can't tell, "it's a secret," he said in the dream, "just don't do the things I told you and everything will be fine, otherwise ... ..." again, he disappeared into thin air, like a swirl of wind.

You know how it works. When people tell you not to do something, you always ended up doing it. There is a lure to the word 'don't,' like "don't eat that apple," "don't open that door." or "don't have pre-marital sex" You know you probably shouldn't, but you did it anyway, and nine out of ten times, you would spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't listen to the 'don'ts.'

Lesson, child, always listen to your parents, especially the don'ts. Trying their best to protect you from this crazy world is their job, and choosing whether to listent to them or not is your job, it's your life, and remember, you only have one life to live.

love story - Pilot

2006-07-19T20:37:00.000-07:00

"Oh My Godddd! ... ..." Grace is my best friend. I still remembered how excited she was when I told her I am getting married. That happiness was so genuine, I bet she was even happier than I am for myself. "It's hard to find true love, and you should cherish it... ..." That night, we drank a lot, sang our songs, cried a little, and then laughed so hard that the tears came out again. People thought we were crazy... ...Wow, that was almost a year ago. So many things had happened since then, and where should I begin with? ... ... Oh yea, I didn't get married, and I had never seen him again after that day. Him, the man I loved and wanted to spend my life with. Chicago's weather is so unpredictable, you can almost have four seasons in one day. Like today, sunny in the morning, but suddenly became all gloomy in the afternoon, it reminded me of him again, of how we met, yea, we met on a gloomy day... ...

"Hi, I'm Roman. Your name is?" I'd never talked to strangers, as a matter of fact, I never had eye contact with strangers, but this guy sitting aross from me has been staring at me on the bus for almost 2 minutes. I pretended I didn't see him and tried to look away, but oh well, I kinda liked the attention. We got off at the same stop and he came up to me and introduced himself just like that. "Um...sorry, I am late for class." "Oh it's okay, just wanna tell you that your mascara is a little smudged." Jeez, how embarrassing, it must be the stupid raindrop. Yea, that's how we met, I didn't have tissues with me, and he offered me his hankerchief, with his initials embroidered on it.

It was not love at first sight, he is not good looking, and I looked like crap that morning when I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before the classe starts. I even prayed not to meet him ever again, but that had not been the case, we were in the same class. Yea, thanks a lot, God. One day, after class, I walked up to him "I think I owe you a thank you..." "Sure." quickly took the hankerchief out of my hand, he hurried out of the classroom. Jerk! There, we are done, I don't have to talk to you again, I thought to myself. Just as I walked out of the door, "lunch today at the cafe?" I looked up, guess who that is, "Um, suuuure." I always hated myself for that, like you don't think quick enough on your feet, your brain is not processing but your mouth already blurt out something you don't mean, so much for the coordination. "Good, see you at 12." and there he went again, disappeared into the crowd, like a swirl of wind. He's always like that, always in a hurry, you have to be in a good shape to walk as fast as he is.

Okay, that's enough for today. I have to stop here, if you promise to be a good girl/boy, I will continue the story tomorrow... ...

Crash

2006-07-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

I hurt my neck in a car accident yesterday, in a matter of a second, my head snapped back and forth......today, I woke up with a stiff neck, a little light-headed and dizzy. Like a kid, though I always think I am a kid at heart, I went around tell people I don't feel good, expecting some consolation, but all I got was just some insouciant "Oh...you should get some rest." Kinda expecting something more, but there was nothing. Funny that when the only person who cares in this universe--my Mom called, I told her I am fine. I guess what makes you really grow up it's to see the ugly and cold side of the humanity, when your ideal world CRASH with the real world, when you decide to swallow the tears and hold in the pain in silence, when you pretend to be strong for the ones you love. Nobody sees you as a child anymore except your parents, when you fall, you got to suck it up, cuz nobody will really care.

hang__er

2006-07-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I had a mudslide last night, according to my coworker, it's the pre-school level drink, "If you aim for being an alcoholic, it's a good start. Slowly move from beer, to some fruity drink, like margarita, or daiquiri, and ultimately, martini means you are ready to graduate ... ..."

it... ...

2006-07-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

1. I don't remember exactly from when that we stopped talking about it, it's good to skip certain topic and talk more vaguely. There is a giant elephant standing between us, but we both decided to ignore it, and by ignoring it, we somehow believe that it will eventually go away. Clarity does more damage, indeed.

2. My mom and I have been having strange dreams, nightmares to be exact. Empty room, a lot of doors and windows, glasses and mirrors were broken, wind was blowing, a phone call from my deceased grandma, bad news, blood, strangers at the door, fighting, tears... ... and then, we both woke up lying alone in the bed, pondering what it means.

3. I learned something recently that don't hasten to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, you should always ask when you have questions, but sometimes you need to wait, do a little research yourself before you take the shortcut to ask someone else. People judge you from the questions you ask, no matter who they are. It's a sad sad truth, isn't it?

4. She has something that I don't. She finally got what she wishes for and I haven't. What is it that she has that I don't? Faith, a stubbornly strong belief, that passion, that courage, that Love, to hell with all the reasoning, rationality, logic, opinions of others, go after what you want, what you really want.

A lot of dandelions are floating in the air, they are searching for that fertile land, where to set their root in. Sadly, the asphalt road is all they can see. Keep flying, dandelions, there is still a long long way to go before you settle down.

In Him

2006-07-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

That we may be no longer little children tossed by waves and carried about by every wind of teaching in the sleight of men, in crafiness with a view to a system of error, but holding to truth in love, we may grow up into Him in all things, who is the Head, Christ... ...

-Ephesians 4:14 15

a little bit of everything... ...

2006-07-05T20:17:00.001-07:00

I am just getting lazier and lazier, sometimes I hope my brain is hooked up with blogger.com by some machine, so whenever I feel something, whenever I have some sort of revelation, the machine will convert my brain waves into text and post it on my blog. but, anyways, here are some of the things I remembered and wanted to share:

1. I stopped taking pictures. Why busy taking pictures of things when you can enjoy it with your own senses? Why look at the sceneries through the lenses while you can take in the whole view? Call me selfish, it's not like I don't like sharing, I just don't need pictures to remind me of what I've missed appreciating at the very moment.

2. July 4th weekend was so enjoyable, but as the aftertaste gradually faded, it left me even more restless and emptier. Like the song says, there is got to be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me. I need an unreachable high that could keep me busy all my life, even it means I will never get there.

3. Have been going to a church training lately, and the whole topic fascinated me. It says we are the body of Jesus Christ, we are part of God, and God's second coming is depended upon us (if the body is strong enough). Oh well, what can I say, I might not be the vital organ of the body, but at least I don't want to be a cancerous cell of this body.

4. Attitudes toward temporary things. Having been living in the apartment for four weeks now, I have never considered here my home. Never took a moment to decorate it, never really cooked a full meal in the kitchen, never stayed here longer than 5 hours, except for sleeping. It's not like I don't want to get closer to her, I am afraid of being attached, because it's only temporary. Someday, I will leave her, and I want this parting to be as peaceful as possible.

Because God Says So!

2006-06-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Just another woman

2006-06-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

After a big dinner of leftovers, two paragraphs of Murakami's "The Dancing dwarf," and two episodes of sex and the city, I am so pissed at men. What's with this Mr. Big? why are women so addicted to the pain those irresponsible, insensitive and selfish creatures give us? Are we all born masochists? I used to think I am different, and I used to scoff at those girls who are crazy about some guys. but now, I hate to admit it that I am just another woman. BUT, but but but, guys, don't get too smug over there, when we say, I love you, we mean, I love the YOU we thougth you were, it's an illusion, yes, it's an ideal version of you we make up in our mind. So, don't expect that we will be this crazy in love with you forever, when our wounds get too many to count, when the pain gets really bad, and when enough is really enough, we WILL move on. And when we look back, we will only remember that ideal version of YOU that lives in our mind, and it has nothing to do with you... ...

Lighten up

2006-06-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

Having been fighting with myself for the past few days, what am I doing here? This is not the kind of work that I have imagined. Did I choose the wrong career? Suddenly, I lost my direction. But, God always find a way to assure me that I am okay......after another 7.5 hours of suffocation in the cubicle, I decided to take a walk in the Millennium Park. After the sun went down, the skyscrapers started to light up the sky, and right in front of me, the second tallest building of the city, the very building I am working in everyday, Aon center. Suddenly, I felt proud. Something inside of me is lit up again. I might be the smallest cog in this huge machine, but I count. No matter how mundane, routine and boring the work I have to go through everyday, I must have done something good for somebody, whoever she or he is. Someone's life becomes much easier because of the very existence of me. The world goes around because I have done my part, and that makes me happy.

fly

2006-06-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

Pigeons and seagulls fly past my window everyday. They seem so free, whereas I am stuck here, in the forest of skyscrapers. I want to say, I wanna fly, fly away. But a voice talks back to me, you can't. You can't fly away from things anymore. There are things here you need to finish, there are people here you need to reach out to, and there are a whole lot more you are going to miss if you just fly away... ...

Anything is possible

2006-06-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

- Shel Silverstein

2006-06-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

Happy father's day, Dad. Can you hear it? Can you feel it? I miss you so much.

Breakfast

2006-06-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

chicago 001, originally uploaded by saisai.

The city

2006-06-14T17:19:00.000-07:00

Chicago is absolutely stunning, and I'm already falling in love with the city, with the busy streets swarmed with business men and women in black suits, with the thrusting skyscrapers, with the down-to-earth chicagoans. I can really get used to all these, but things I can't get used to are the chilly wind, my empty apartment, and the lonely feeling after work. Chicago, baby, I love you, but I love my California more and I miss him so, you know?

2006-06-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing
if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much ... ...

Having a bad day...

2006-06-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

A bad dream, black circled eyes, itchy hair, foggy weather, jammed freeway, a ridiculous email, flashbacks of unpleasant memories, swelling gum, same old topic of conversation... ... The day is still young and how am I suppposed to turn it around?

"It's a beautiful Monday morning, and you have a whole day ahead of you, make it a good one!" says the radio guy... ...

currently listening to: Bad day - Daniel Powter